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Your weekly slice of island life.

Hello Key Biscayne!

Last week I told you about the the Zip Ode poetry contest and encouraged you to send them your poems. This week I’ve got some poignant poems sent in to the Rag by a mysterious poet.

3: Underground the utilities?
3: I say yes.
1: Wait!
4: I forgot to ask…
9: Just how many economic benefit units must I pay?
3: Yacht Club demolished.
3: Entry block festers.
1: And
4: 530 Crandon withers away.
9: But the Oasis owners need to be locked up?

I had a hard time coming up with just one poem about the Key, yet this person, who goes by the name “Fear and Loathing in Key Biscayne”, has sent me five and they’re all so perfectly topical. Bravo!

If you haven’t already, check out O, Miami and submit your own. The Key needs you!

That's the news?

Beach Club At first I was concerned about the Beach Club, but now I can’t help but laugh.

First we got a letter from a board member saying the club was in dire straits. Then we got a letter from four other board members essentially saying, “we know, but let’s take it easy.” Then there was a vote for a new board which was postponed for a week because they couldn’t send out the ballots because–get this–they don’t really know who is a member. Then it turns out one of the board members isn’t actually a member anymore. Now the votes are in, but they can’t decide if everyone who voted is allowed to vote (some members are apparently more equal than others).

What’s the real issue, though? I can’t be certain, but if you read between the lines (and this editorial), people are worried that a new board will fire longtime manager Mike, and at the same time change the nature of the club from casual to hoity-toity.

(Key News)

Think of the children Fourteen kids were kicked out of MAST Academy last semester for faking their KB residency. Fifty-three have been kicked out in total. This has been an issue at the school for a long time, and residents have been very vocal about it, as it means eligible students are being denied placement. The Village is now funding a position at the school just to weed out these illegal non-resident students.

With any luck, this verification can start to take place before school starts. High school is hard enough without having to be kicked out for fraud committed by your parents.

(Key News)

Under-21 Jump Street You may have missed this one going through the police blotter. A kid in the Garden District, which is probably the roughest part of town save for behind Sir Pizza, got beat up there by a classmate last month. When the police came by to ask if he wanted to press charges, he declined, also telling them that he was previously in a scuffle with the same kid over a weed deal.

A few days later, there’s a report of a kid from the same area going to police because he’s worried he’ll be attacked. It’s tough being a teenager in the GD.

(Islander News)

Down Under While we’ve been arguing about how to pay for burying our power lines, the Florida Legislature may allow FPL to do it themselves.

This one is a bit hard to parse so let me try and simplify what’s happening. People want better infrastructure, like undergrounding, from FPL. FPL makes a lot of money from infrastructure projects, but they can’t force customers to pay for them without regulatory approval. This bill lets them start projects that are “in the public interest” (whatever that means) with little oversight, and they can add a special section to our bills to pay for it.

The optimistic view is that this will let FPL bury our power lines quickly, the pessimistic view is that FPL will start bogus projects and pass on the costs to us so as to enrich their investors. The Key Rat view is that we can finally stop arguing about millage vs. special assessment because we all get screwed 😎

(Tampa Bay Times)

The Calusa Club puts on events around the island, and tomorrow they're hosting the 5th Annual Cornhole Classic. Even if you're not a veteran cornbagger, this tournament slash party is fun for the whole family. Have a drink, eat some sloppy joes, and hang out with a lively bunch of rats at the Beach Club tomorrow night.

(More info)

Promote your own thing.


Around Town

  • Today 4/18
  • 🌊 One tide, two tide, red tide, blue tide. Learn the difference. (Community Center)
  • Friday 4/19
  • 🌽 Participate in KB's most prestigious cornhole tournament (Beach Club)
  • 🍾 Complimentary bubbly at the Hog. (Golden Hog)
  • Saturday 4/20
  • ✝️ Learn about the origin of Crossfit (Community Church)
  • Sunday 4/21
  • 🗑 Forget finding eggs, find trash for Easter (Virginia Key)
  • Monday 4/22
  • 🎣 Go fishing for tarpon in this local tourney (KBYC)
  • Sunday 4/28
  • 🍝 Fill your gob with spaghetti for a good cause (The Links)


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If you're celebrating this weekend, I wish you the best. See you around the island!

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