Hello Key Biscayne!
You can feel the summer is almost here not just in the weather, but in the slow pace of the island. I only faintly remember the contentious issues of last week and last month. Tuesday’s council meeting barely lasted three hours, and no one even clapped.
I do have a few odd tidbits for you to mention over your next coffee, though, so read on. 👇
The small town report
Bells and whistles MAST Academy is getting some serious upgrades to its campus. Last week, the school received a new technological tool reserved only for the finest institutions.
Inspired by Elon Musk’s Hyperloop concept, in that it’s composed of tubes, and SpaceX’s landing pads, the school installed a new bike rack atop a cement platform. In keeping with the school’s mission of not having enough space to meet demand, the bike rack can hold about thirty bikes. 🚀
Dangerous minds In the early ‘90s at KBES, the vice principal had a giant wooden paddle in his office that he would use to threaten us when we got out of line. Corporal punishment now seems so quaint. 👵
Florida lawmakers passed a bill yesterday allowing teachers to carry guns in the classroom. Teachers looking to carry would need to complete 144 hours of training and pass a psychological exam. School districts can also opt-out of the program, so it’s not a sure thing yet that KB teachers will be packing heat.
Skid Row Buried deep in the annals of last week’s police blotter is the kind of story that shows us that for all the polished landscaping and high-end cars, Key Biscayne is just as hilariously depraved as anywhere else.
There is a serial defecator on the loose in Ocean Village. For over a year now, the “Baker of Ocean Lane” has been spitting, pissing, and laying steamers all around the gated community. No one has managed to spot the extruder in the act, but they do have some nice photos of his work. 💩
Save big by getting your tickets now! They'll run out, and you don't want to miss out. Live music, dancing, full open bar, and Shorty's BBQ cooked on-site at the Beach Club. It's fun for the whole family.
Promote your own thing.
Back in sight, back in mind
Remember last year when we got all worked up about bacteria in the ocean and the ungodly amounts of seaweed on the beach? The chats were on fire every time the swim advisories came out, the council vowed to do something, and when they didn’t, the KBCF took the initiative to try and figure out what was causing it. Then the seaweed subsided once the cooler Fall weather came around, and we put it on the back burner.
Well now it’s back, and if it plays out like last year, we’ll be in bad shape for the next five months. Addressing the underlying causes may be out of reach for our tiny island, but surely we can explore some creative solutions to try and mitigate the issue. I think we’d all rather not swim in brown, smelly water for the rest of the summer.
- Today 5/2
- 🍸 Your free cocktails for the week at this opening (LiviLuxe - Galleria)
- Tomorrow 5/3
- 🎹 Attend a piano concert (Crossbridge Church)
- Saturday 5/4
- 🌿 Kill plants, but for the right reasons (Bill Baggs)
- 💃 Food and Flamenco (The Square)
- 🇲🇽 Celebrate a fake Mexican holiday at an Argentine restaurant on the wrong day (900)
- Sunday 5/5
- 🎨 Get creative at this art workshop (The Ritz)
- Friday 5/17
- 🧨 Can you guess? (Beach Club)
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Questions, comments, tips, or to start a new-wave band 👩🎤, write to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hey, what’s that smell? This week it’s either the beach or the bottom of your shoe. See you ’round the island!
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