2019-05-09

Hello Key Biscayne!

It looks like we’re coming into the rain season, though it always seems to be a little more dry here than on the mainland. Some key rats like to joke that there’s a force field around the island, or that we pay higher taxes for the better weather.

The joke reached its peak a few years ago when a certain key rat’s girlfriend (who wasn’t a key rat herself), explained to a group of people that the reason it didn’t rain on the key was because of a device on top of the lighthouse, while believing every word she was saying.

The real reason it tends to rain less on the Key? It’s because storms often form in the west and dump all their water there first. Key Biscayne 1 – 0 Doral. 💦

We hardly knew ye On the eve of a City of Miami vote to determine Ultra’s future on Virginia Key, Ultra Music Festival sent a letter to city commissioners saying that they are not interested in returning. Apparently they’ve found a better permanent home somewhere else in South Florida.

This is an unexpected turn of events for everyone involved. The commissioners were almost certainly going to vote to approve Ultra again. The Key has really lucked out here, and for anyone who was bitter at the City of Miami for consistently disregarding us, you can revel in the fact that they’re all shitting a brick right now after losing a $100m cash cow. 💸

(Ultra Instagram)

Dodging a bullet As previously mentioned, Florida lawmakers went ahead and voted to allow FPL to bury power lines and pass the cost to us via our monthly bills. Because of this development, the Village has decided to halt all spending on their own plans to bury the lines until FPL reveals their intentions.

The plan to bury power lines on the island has been discussed for so many years, to have another setback is unfortunate. Still, the real winner here may be our politics. The talk of condo owners not having to pay for the project was so toxic that to have the project delayed and shifted to FPL may be a blessing in disguise. 🙏

(Key News)

Pass and fail Last Saturday marked the end of the Florida legislative session, and lawmakers passed 195 bills. While all the bills affect you in some way or another as a Florida resident, a few stood out with regard to the Key.

That plastic straw ban we passed here on the island? Say goodbye to that. The much wanted ban on texting and driving finally passed, but it takes it a step further and makes it illegal to operate your phone altogether while driving except when using a hands-free device, or for navigation purposes (ie. no calls). It’s not all bans, though; we’re now explicitly allowed to grow vegetables in our front lawns. 🌽🥔🥕🥦🍅

(Tampa Bay Times)

Do a barrel roll About ten years ago a buddy and I flipped a golf cart while turning in Harbor Plaza. Not wanting to arouse suspicion, we quickly turned the cart back over and rode off (there also may have been some stitches involved). Things didn’t play out so well this week on Hampton Lane.

A woman driving alone flipped her cart and seriously injured herself. It was so bad, she had to be airlifted by paramedics from St. Agnes field.

(Key News)

Before the news came out yesterday, the Rag had queued up an article jumping the gun and saying that Ultra would easily win re-approval by the City of Miami today. The headline read, “Dewey defeats Truman”.

While Ultra’s departure seems like a sure thing, we’ll have to see what Miami commissioners do in response. That kind of money isn’t something you just walk away from.

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Stay dry out there. See you all next week!

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