Hello Key Biscayne!
You guys going to that full moon party this weekend? If you do, it should be safe to wear your Rolex, just keep an eye out.
Alright, let’s get on with it.
Time out of mind Another Key Biscayne man is learning the hard way that maybe, just maybe, these girls aren’t that into him. On Saturday, a 40 year-old brought home two girls from Miami Beach, where they subsequently drugged him and stole his Rolex.
This scam is really popular in South Florida, and has happened on the island in one form or another at least three times. It’s funny every single time, though, so please keep being rich and lonely. ⌚️
Plant based You think we forgot about the beach bacteria just because it’s cold and the advisories are gone? Preliminary results are in from studies being conducted by the Village, and as was said here a few months ago, it’s confirmed that it’s not the Virginia Key sewage plant. It’s also probably not the septic tanks, and it’s likely not the runoff.
So what is it? They’re hesitant to be definitive but the Rag is not: it’s the seaweed. Case closed, enjoy the beach. 🦑
Extra protein Your favorite place to get a giant frozen burrito and a soggy egg salad sandwich, 7-11, suffered a minor setback this week when an “infestation of live roaches” was discovered by the health inspector near the soda machines. No need to worry, though; by the time you read this the roaches will have already been cleaned up, mashed, rolled into a tube-shape, and placed on the hotdog rollers with the label, “breakfast burrito.” 🌯
Down the drain
Last week at the Council meeting there was a little debate about our stormwater fees. These are the fees we pay to maintain our sewers so they can clear rain off the streets. These fees are on a per household basis, and because our situation is getting more complicated, these fees are going up.
At the same time, the condos on the Key pay the fees, but if they have their own sewers they need to pay to maintain those as well. The discussion was about having the Village also maintain the private condo sewers. It turns out the Village can’t do that.
As long as the condos are private property, it’s just not legal to use tax funds to maintain those properties. Some condos have vast swathes of private streets that need sewers, and this adds up. Why ask for it now, though?
If you think about it, most condos on the island are 40+ years old. Once coveted luxury properties for South Florida, they’re now finding it hard to compete with all the new construction. Some buildings and units still have an allure that can rival the newest buildings, but others, they’re dated and just not up to par anymore. Yet those same units are paying an arm and a leg for rising maintenance costs, and it’s just not proportional to what you might get elsewhere for the same price.
There is some precedent for the Village to maintain private property, but for that the condos would need to cede their private streets to the public. That’s a tall order for some of these places, and the added sewers would raise everyone’s fees even higher. Still, if these condos want to ease up the burden to their residents, it’s something they may have to seriously consider.
Openings & Closings
AMICI – The latest iteration of the restaurant at the Towers will open soon, starting with a preview this Thursday, February 6th.
Narbona – Based on the Uruguayan hotel and restaurant of the same name, this self-billed ‘food hall’ (🤮) is taking up four units in the north corner of the Square, ready to do battle with its Argentine neighbors to the south.
Last Week's Sales
No reported sales this week 🙃
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A big thanks to those of you who have bought a coffee. It’s actually going into working on a story. See you next week!
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