2020-03-19

Hello Key Biscayne!

Jesus, it said it right in the subject line last week to wash your hands. You had to ignore that and now we’re here. You’re now stuck in your house pretending to work while your kids are hogging the internet pretending to go to school.

This past Saturday. We're pros at this social distancing thing.

This week, we’re taking a look at the ‘rona from a KB perspective. It’s extra long to make up for last week but you likely have some time on your hands. 😏

No debate Are you tired of how the US presidential election is playing out? Well there’s an election coming up that won’t be a landslide for the incumbent, and it’s right here on the Key. The Beach Club will be holding its board election soon, and instead of just voting for one candidate, you get to vote for five.

Will the Beach Club continue its newly found trajectory of success, or will it be run straight into the sand? The choice is up to you (if you’re a member). ✔️

(Mark Fried [PDF])

For all your dumb friends out there still wondering why we’re making a big deal of this, shutting everything down, let’s explain: if you get coronavirus you’re likely to have mild symptoms, but for some it’ll be deadly and this virus is very contagious.

The flu might kill ~60,000 people in the US this year. This Wuhan fever, if left unchecked, is predicted to kill upwards of ~2,000,000. Yesterday, the total confirmed cases in Dade County doubled from 32 to 77. It’s slated to keep that growth rate. That’s why you can’t go to your favorite restaurant. 🏴‍☠️

Hey, sure, just do whatever.

In short Here’s all the restrictions so far: there’s a curfew on the Key from 10pm to 5am. You can’t go work on your tan at the beach, but you can go for a walk there. You can’t go eat at a restaurant but you can get takeout. Most places where people congregate for entertainment are closed across the county. Lucky for you, gyms are closed too, so you’ve got a solid excuse to sit around. 🍩

(Village KB)

Slumming it In what might be the harshest (and funniest) measures anywhere on the island, the Ocean Club’s Ocean Tower II building is banning all maids from entering the building starting tomorrow. This is a place with massive apartments, where it’s likely no resident has ever been without help for more than a week, being told they will have to clean their units themselves, indefinitely. To make it worse, they’ll have to park their own cars, as the valets will no longer be available. 🧹

(OC Ocean Tower II)

Can you bring beer? Do you know any KB residents in need of help during the corona call to stay home? Maybe their maid isn’t allowed to enter the building, or they might fall in a high risk category and can’t chance leaving the house.

No need to fret, the KBCF has their back. A team of volunteers has been assembled to help those more vulnerable get help with daily tasks. Give them a call if you’re in need, or know someone who is. 📞

(KBCF)

All you can eat The Key Biscayne Chamber of Commerce has compiled a comprehensive list, with phone numbers, of all the places your lazy ass can call for a meal. Heads up: if you want to support your favorite spots, they’ll likely make a good amount more money if you call them directly instead of using an online delivery service. 🍔

(KB Chamber)

Rumor Patrol Of course, we can’t forget to mention all the hearsay around the island saying that there’s confirmed cases on the Key: “oh, there’s someone at this place who has it, there’s a person living over there who has it.” The highest number overheard through the grapevine was five people. This periodical couldn’t confirm even one.

There was the one guy at the Towers, though. It’s a contractor (non-KBer) who after being at the Towers on February 28th went to Utah, came back, felt sick, stayed home for a week, then got tested, and was confirmed positive. Did he get it on his trip or before that? Eh, who knows.

The way things are going, though, and with most people not getting seriously ill, the chances are pretty good that people on this island have it, so be prudent out there.

(The Towers)

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Questions, comments, tips, or to schedule a video chat happy hour 🤳, write to hi@tropicalrag.com.

Those two jugs left on the shelf? Skim almond milk.

Could you all stop hoarding all the food, please? I’m out here eating canned beans with a side of canned beans. 🥫

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