2020-04-02

Hello Key Biscayne!

We’re starting week three of our new reality here on the island, living with Tom Hanks disease, and the novelty seems to be wearing off. On the plus side, the curve on the spread of wackjob advice seems to be flattening out, but at the same time, so has the humor in virus-related memes. I think we’ve all seen everything that’s possible to do on a balcony, and yet this thing has barely started.

This was going to be a nice picture of somewhere on the Key, but it'd be irresponsible to tempt you to leave the house.

We’re in for the long haul, though, so let’s get settled in. 🛌

Survey says If you had the ‘rona would you like to know it? By filling out this survey you could get us testing services on the island. Will testing make us panic more, or less? Only one way to find out!

(KBCF)

Déjà vu The real lockdown is coming tonight, or is it? Florida governor Ron DeSantis issued a stay-home order yesterday, which starts tonight at midnight.

What does that mean for us? Well, the exact wording hasn’t been posted yet, but it’s based on the rules that we in Dade County have already had in place for over a week. There’s still parts of Florida where the beaches, parks, gyms, etc. are still open. Really, it’s not that we have to lock down more, it’s that those parts have to get on our level. 👉🏠

(Miami Herald)

Sober stats As of yesterday afternoon, we’ve got 22 reported cases on the Key. That’s up from 8 in the last issue. The Dade County total is at 1,371, compared to 491 last week.

Correction 10:30am – Dade County: 2,380.

(FDEM [PDF])

First time on video The Village is preparing to have its first council meeting since this whole thing started, and they’re going to be doing it from home via videoconference. The meeting agenda isn’t anything to mention, but hey, there’s always a chance someone will accidentally show up in their underwear. 👙

(Village KB)

Those of you who live in houses may not have seen this one yet, but if you live in a condo it’s been hard to miss: the shoes littered outside the door. Finding a santeria sacrifice in the corner of a parking lot isn’t as common on the island as it was a few years back, but apparently Babalú has sent the message out that the ‘rona is stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

It’s not that the virus can’t be on your shoe, it’s that it could be on any of your clothes. Sadly, no one’s disrobing at the door. It’s just the shoe pile.

Not what you had in mind when your neighbor told you about their sneaker collection.

If this is you, you might say, “iTs bEttEr to bE sAfe tHan soRRy,” and, “iN jaPaN tHey aLWayS tAke tHEir shOEs oFF.” Have you been to Japan? You think they’re walking by nasty piles of shoes at every door? And if your shoes are as contaminated as you think they are, you’re gonna leave ‘em out to expose all your neighbors? Come on, spray some Lysol on ‘em and put those filthy things inside. 🥾

Distant jogger

To the tall, blonde, fit, shirtless man in black shorts that ran past me on Monday around noon on harbor drive…

I should have waved back or turned around and said something, but with social distancing mentions everywhere, it didn’t even cross my mind until I got home and regretted it…

If you remember a woman, dressed in black, with an orange hat, let’s grab a virtual drink!

Friendly neighbor

You play “We Are the World” every Friday around happy hour on your townhouse terrace. At first I thought it was cheesy, but then it grew on me. I dance on my balcony and wave each time watching as others do the same. Let’s all have a beer once all of this is over. From your Tidemark neighbor.

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We all know you’ve got nothing going on, so take a sec’ to check your mail and report for the census. ✔️

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