Hello Key Biscayne!
Alright, this corona thing was mildly amusing when it was nice outside. Oh yes, let’s all be fit and jog and ride our bikes on Harbor at the same time. Now it’s 90º, muggy, and it’s all a bit tired.
The conga line promotion at the Winn Dixie was poorly timed.
Keep your head on, though, as we’ve got quite a bit more to go. 💪
Pop quiz After a bit of a setback, the Village has contracted a third party to administer covid-19 tests on the Key. Right now it’s only for those 65 or older who are showing symptoms, but if you’re younger and showing symptoms you may as well give it a shot; even with all that botox you probably look a lot older than you think you do. 💉
Stat track Last week, at time of writing, we had 44 cases on the Key. Now we have 59. In Dade County it was 5,412, now it’s 7,991.
You guys remember the saga of the KB Crips, and the rumor that floated around about the resident being dangerous? No? Well it’s too long to recap but you can read it in the Feb. 27th issue.
Just when you thought that story was dead, today there’s a quarter-page ad in the Islander by a resident issuing an apology for spreading the rumor via chats. The apology isn’t for starting the rumor, just for propagating it. It also reads like something one would write to avoid a lawsuit 🤔. Then it offers $10,000 for information on who started the rumor. People will turn in their mothers for that kind of money.
This one is ugly, and difficult to verify, so take it all with a grain of salt. Here’s what is certainly true: A KB resident died last week in the hospital, and the Islander ran an article insinuating it may have been the first covid death on the island. That article solicited a backlash and they pulled it down. No correction was offered. The mayor then made a statement addressing the situation in one of his daily briefings.
The rest is a bit more loosey-goosey. The resident purportedly died from heart failure, and tested negative twice for coronavirus. Then, allegedly, as rumors spread that the person died from the virus, the family was asked by at least one neighbor to leave the building where they live. Again, allegedly, one of their children was made to feel bad for being out of the house as the rumors said they had been in contact with an infected person.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that there’s about 60 confirmed people less than a mile from you right now who have the virus, who shop at the same places as you, and probably countless more who don’t know it. If someone says they tested negative then that’s about as much as you can infer without being a dick. 🧐
O no, Miami
April is National Poetry Month, and usually at this time of year there’s a great poetry festival taking place all over the county, put on by O, Miami. Last year in April we even had some key rat poetry here in the Rag. They had to move it online, but it’s still worth reminding you about it. No jokes here, this writer just really enjoys the festival. 🤓
Not just yet, chief
Last Week's Sales
|762 Fernwood||3584||6/5||'17 $2.65m||$2.65m|
|720 S Mashta||6395||6/5.5||'14 $9.8m||$7.5m|
|291 W Mashta||2277||4/2||'87 $255k||$1.17m|
Your covid bodega
Like a convenient corner store, this section repeats in every issue to remind you of some available services during the pandemic.
Got the munchies There are a lot more restaurants on the island than you might remember in your head when you’re thinking about what to eat. Thanks to this pandemic, most of them deliver and all are doing takeout. Here’s a list of everything you can eat.
Never leave the couch There’s great resources on the island in case you want help running errands, or know someone who does. You can also volunteer to run errands, in case you’ve got the cabin fever.
Feeling it yet? If you’ve got symptoms or are considering getting tested, you can take this survey provided by the KBCF and the Village. If warranted, you may get a call and an appointment to get tested right here on the Key.
Finally cracking after listening to the emergency sirens for over an hour, the easter bunny makes a rude gesture towards some kids. 📸: Bicycle Bill.
A predictable end
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Read past issues in the archive.
Questions, comments, tips, or to hold a coronavirus contagion party and just get it over with 🤒, write to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Anyone with a pool need a housesitter? Until next week!
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