2021-05-20

Hello Key Biscayne!

Some well dressed dude in his 60s stopped me while walking down the beach Monday evening and asked me if I had a joint in my hand (I didn’t; would’ve been a lot cooler if I did 👨). Still not sure if he was looking for a toke or looking to be a narc. 🚬

Beautiful historic house for rent in KB with plenty of light. $30k/month

Let’s see what we got this week.

Books, check ’em out We hadn’t heard anything about the library in over a year, but on Tuesday our County Commissioner showed up to the council meeting to give a presentation on a brand new library that they’re ready to build, complete with fancy pictures.

The proposed new library is in the contemporary boring-white-box-with-accents style, it’s taller but has the same footprint as the current one, will cost $9-12m, and will be paid for completely by the county, and they’re ready to start as soon as litigation with Key Colony wraps up. So what’s the catch? 📖

(KB Independent)

Summer bod According to a sign posted at the door, the Winn Dixie no longer requires masks for vaccinated people. Since most people on the island can’t read, most people are still wearing their masks. 😷

(Winn Dixie)

We got a new Village manager (welcome!), he’s only been on the job for a couple of days, and yet at the last council meeting, amidst the typical hissy fits, he had so many tasks thrown at him that he’s sure to be overwhelmed.

Mr. Manager, as pro armchair managers we’re going to briefly go through some of those problems raised and solve all of them for you. Thank us later. 😉

People complaining about dangerous kiteboarders

This is a real issue, except they’re not dangerous, just very annoying. The kiteboarders aren’t sticking to the designated launch spot and taking up vast swaths of the beach, all the while some are clearly giving paid lessons.

Solution difficulty 1 / 5
Mr. Manager, check the wind on weekends. If it’s more than 10kts send a cop out there at 2:30pm and you’ll catch them all breaking the rules. That said, by the next council meeting in mid-June there won’t be any wind anymore, and that’ll last for around 8 months so you can probably ignore this problem altogether.

Where to put a skatepark

A resident gave a presentation on a proposed skatepark for the Key. The idea is awesome, has resident support, but the question is where to put it.

Solution difficulty 6 / 5
Mr. Manager, this is a minefield. Every good available public space (530 Crandon, Harbor park, Hampton Park) will be met by fierce NIMBYs who will allege anything not to have a skatepark built where they don’t want it. And wait until they hear the price tag (likely $1m+ no matter the size). Maybe the Hill Park and outside the Beach Park area is viable, maybe it can be shoehorned into a corner of the Village Green, but your best bet is to recommend Calusa Park since it’s not ours. Then wait until Miami-Dade says no, and hope that someone else takes the project on.

Reopening the Community Center and other Village services

The council discussed covid protocols going forward now that the CDC has advised vaccinated people can go without masks, and the governor and legislature have made emergency rules invalid.

Solution difficulty 3 / 5
Mr Manager, you already presented your plan for this, but if you want to really shine make this happen sooner than later. Government moves slow, the CC is currently understaffed, but waiting until the law takes effect and then having to scramble is going to be like getting caught in the rain when you have the radar app on your phone.

Crandon pedestrian safety

The council once again brought up how to make Crandon Blvd. safer. Thoughts included lowering the speed limit to 20mph, eliminating certain crosswalks, turning the pedestrian crossing lights red, and more.

Solution difficulty 😴 / 5
Mr. Manager, the council was so wishy-washy on this, and has been in the past, that you can tell them whatever you want. The road belongs to the county so we can only do so much. If you want to grab the bull by the horns, though, this is a decent project that could show some results.

That’s about it for now. Good luck!

The writing is horrible but it's set in Miami so you gotta watch.

Which one of you guys is she talking about?

Did you like this? If you did, please forward it to your friends and tell them to subscribe at The Tropical Rag.

Read past issues in the archive.

Questions, comments, tips, or to solve the world’s problems over a few drinks together 🍷, write to hi@tropicalrag.com.

Guess that’s the end of it. ✌️

The Tropical Rag goes out every Thursday and has all you need to know about the going-ons of Key Biscayne. Sign up below and never miss an issue.

We don't sell your email to anyone. Read our privacy policy.